Thursday, May 21, 2015

Easter People Devotionals Day 24

Easter People Devotionals Day 24

For an explanation of this series, click here. To see a collection of all the Devotionals in the series so far, click here.

Day 24: He is Alive ~Third Day


Angels are watching over us
With the saints that have gone on before us
And they join in a heavenly chorus
Singing “He is alive, He is alive”
He is alive
Death is defeated
Sin has retreated 
From the power of the Son
And He is alive
The enemy is faded
The battle still rages
But the war has been won
The stars in the heavens rejoice
With the sun and the moon
And with all of the earth
Let all of creation now lift up their voice
Singing “He is alive, He is alive”
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
He is alive
Death is defeated 
Sin has retreated 
From the power of the Son
He is alive, He is alive
He is alive, He is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive

Monday, January 26, 2015

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode II: The Clone Wars

Here's the fourth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

  • Well, hello scrolly exposition. I knew I'd see you again.
  • Dooku is a funny name.
  • Senator. Count. Queen. I feel like we're mixing governments here.
  • I like that shiny spaceship.
  • Well, maybe there's SOME danger.
  • Whoa that chick just had the most abrupt death scene ever.
  • I'm so confused already. Wasn't Natalie a Queen before? Did she get demoted?
  • Aw geez. Jar Jar.
  • What the Rose Byrne?
  • Why hasn't Yoda learned proper English syntax? And what was his first language?
  • What happened to Hayden Christenson?
  • "I haven't seen Amidala in years, Master...and I'm totally crushing."
  • Why hasn't Amidala aged?
  • Annie is a prideful little Jedi.
  • She didn't forget you completely. She knew your name, Annie. Did you want her to swoon or something?
  • That strapless eye patch is stylin'.
  • Can you sense that Amidala is eavesdropping, hotshot?
  • Whoa, Annie isn't tiptoeing around his crush. "She's intoxicating." Calm down, dude.
  • Ew. Millipede wormy things.
  • Locate them, R2D2!
  • Safe!
  • Ewan diving out the window! What's the plan here, Ewan?!
  • Ugh. It's Jedis like him who cause rush hour traffic.
  • Shot down! Somehow I'm not at all worried for him.
  • Yep, Annie caught him.
  • Annie is NUTS. 
  • Electrocution? No big deal. 
  • "What's the point of this?" - Erik. Amen, Erik. Amen.
  • Man, Jedis LOVE jumping out of things.
  • I'm really growing to love the "pyew! pyew! pyew!" blaster sound effect.
  • Is a Jedi's light saber like a wizard's wand in that it's specific to its owner?
  • Now they're just running. That seems beneath them somehow.
  • Are Ewan's eyes really that green?
  • Ooo Jedi therapist - "go home and rethink your life."
  • Did he just cut off her arm?!
  • Does the light saber cauterize the wound automatically?
  • Diagonal fade!
  • That's a cute hover chair, Yoda.
  • Annie has too much pressure and too much power.
  • Ha. Amidala: "Jar Jar - I don't wish to hold you up." That was a diplomatic way of telling him to shut up.
  • Whoa, Annie went from "He's a good master, don't get me wrong" to pouting and ranting like a petulant child.
  • More like "Please don't LEER at me like that," am I right?
  • Jedi poncho!
  • I like this amiable diner alien.
  • Robot waitress looks exactly like Rosie from the Jetsons.

  • Fun fact: My eighth grade Algebra teacher was Mr. Parsek.
  • Coolest. Library. Ever.
  • Oh, Yoda. Making jokes about losing a planet. You're hilarious.
  • OH. Explanation of not being Queen anymore. Thanks, guys.
  • Are they bickering in front of the current Queen? Awkward.
  • I briefly just wondered where Captain Eo fits in with all this.
  • Super long neck Camino alien is lovely!
  • Oh, come on, Amidala. You are totally crushing back.
  • What if he's using his Jedi mind powers to make her kiss him?! That cad!
  • Clones!
  • When did she costume change? I liked her Xanadu dress; now she's all hippie.
  • The hills are aliiiiive with the sound chemistry!
  • Oh no, he fell off the giant potato cow!
  • They are literally rolling around in the grass.
  • Kid, that's not your dad...he's your...your...what do you call the relationship between you and your young clone?
  • This scene is tense and I have NO idea what's happening.
  • Uh-oh. Firelight and a heaving bosom. Just get this over with.
  • Homeboy is SO CLINGY. He just keeps talking! No, you're tormenting US, Annie.
  • "I wish that I could wish away..." Well, that seems like lazy writing.
  • Are Jedi robes waterproof?
  • If Amidala really wanted to stop this relationship, she wouldn't wear that.
  • That's some awesome jumpkicking, Ewan!
  • Why is he always falling?
  • Those blue charges are AWESOME.
  • I would love to know how they created all these sound effects. 
  • Just shoot out some spare parts and that will solve it. How anticlimactic.
  • 30 men went looking for your mom already, but sure - you have a go at it too.
  • The Count looks like the "He chose...poorly" knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
  • Poor Mama! Now that was a proper death scene.
  • Oh, he's raging.
  • Ooo...Imperial Death March subtly playing as Yoda talks about Anakin.
  • Anakin's not available right now, Ewan.
  • Where does Amidala store all these giant clothes that she wears?
  • Single-handed genocide of the Tuskans. Tsk, tsk.
  • Amidala is so sassy.
  • I am SO sleepy.
  • Darth Sidious. The Sith. Why does everything sound vaguely like an STD?
  • Holy cow. Will we have to sit through an actual clone war still?! Interminable film!
  • Alien robowasp attack! 
  • Padme would win everything on that show Wipeout!
  • R2 is so much smarter than C3P0.
  • Decapitated C3P0!
  • How is her outfit still so white?!
  • "I truly...deeply..." - Amidala "...madly?" - Erik
  • Uf. That is an ugly language.
  • Ah, another unnecessary alien monster parade. George Lucas is just showing off.
  • Can't they just Jedi fly away from this arena?
  • I think Amidala just got scratched so we could see some midriff.
  • Oh, please. We did not have time for that smooch.
  • I'm fairly impressed by the lack of chemistry between Annie and Amidala. It's like watching two marionettes pretend to be in love.
  • GET IT, Samuel L!
  • Decapitated Fett!
  • They are flirting on the battlefield. Flirting.
  • "This is such a drag." GROAN.
  • Yoda and a clone army! Just in the nick of time!
  • War. Fighting. Explosions. Etc, etc.
  • Death Star schematics!
  • That is the least manly vehicle ever, Count. It looks like a hover Vespa.
  • I wish Natalie would put a whole shirt on. I'm trying to enjoy ice cream and she's making me want to do sit-ups instead.
  • I'm expecting a big fight from the Count. OH, SNAP. He did not disappoint.
  • Double light saber!
  • Back down to one!
  • Arm cut off!
  • That is one angry Muppet.
  • How does everyone keep saying Dooku without giggling?!
  • Bahahahaha this is the most adorable light saber fight ever.

  • I knew that dude was bad.
  • "Begun the Clone War has." Dear Lord, I hope it's actually the end of this film though. I need to go to bed.
  • Mawwiage. Pretty dress! Pretty lame kiss!

  • He's smiling and she looks like "what have I done?"

In conclusion, this movie was long, tedious, confusing, and lacked the endearing qualities of the original two that I've seen. Oh, hey, that was my conclusion from Episode I as well. I did thoroughly enjoy the fight between Dooku and Yoda though - it almost made it worth watching. Almost. Also, I now understand why we haven't seen much of Hayden Christenson, bless his heart. Perfect teeth will only get you so far in Hollywood. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Easter People Devotionals Day 23

For an explanation of this series, click here. To see a collection of all the Devotionals in the series so far, click here.

Day 23: An Easter People Devotional for Epiphany
Surely God is With us | Rich Mullins 1865

Well, who's that man who thinks He's a prophet?
Well, I wonder if He's got something up His sleeve
Where's He from?
Who is His daddy?
There's rumors He even thinks Himself a king
Of a kingdom of paupers
Simpletons and rogues
The whores all seem to love Him
And the drunks propose a toast
And they say, "Surely God is with us.
Well, surely God is with us."
They say, "Surely God is with us today!"
Who's that man who says He's a preacher?
Well, He must be, He's disturbing all our peace
Where's He get off, and what is He hiding
And every word He says those fools believe
Who could move a mountain
Who would love their enemy
Who could rejoice in pain
And turn the other cheek
And still say, "Surely God is with us, Well, surely God is with us, "
Who'll say, "Surely God is with us today, today!"
They say, "Surely God is with us Well, surely God is with us"
They say, "Surely God is with us"
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Heaven belongs to them Blessed are those who make peace
They are God's children I Am the Bread of Life, and the Way"
You hear that Man, believe what He says!
Tell me, who's that Man, they made Him a prisoner
They tortured Him and nailed Him to a tree
Well if He's so bad, who did He threaten?
Did He deserve to die between two thieves?
See the scars and touch His wounds
He's risen flesh and bone
Now the sinners have become the saints
And the lost have all come home
And they say, "Surely God is with us (Surely God is with us)
Well, surely God is with us,

Monday, November 3, 2014

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Here's the third installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

  • We're still using scrolly exposition?! Come on, this is 1999!
  • Full disclosure: I didn't read the scrolly exposition. Hope I won't be lost.
  • The special effects are improved, but they should have kept it consistent with the original films.
  • How can a movie with Liam and Ewan be as terrible as everyone says?!
  • Is Ewan sporting a mullet pulled into a ponytail?!
  • Did the term droid come from Star Wars initially?
  • Ooo hologram bad guy.
  • Why would you ask someone who is clearly a bad guy if something is legal?
  • CGI robots are way less cool than people in robot costumes.
  • Ewan wields his light saber like a baseball bat.
  • Whoa, Natalie. What are you doing with your voice?
  • I have literally no idea of what's going on. 
  • Is that supposed to be Natalie Portman's hair? It's like a loaf of bread arcing majestically over her skull.
  • "Where's the lion? I want to see the lion." - Eiley, whining in reference to Chewbacca.
  • Jar Jar is WAY taller than I thought. I thought he'd be Dobby-sized.
  • Is he...Jamaican?
  • Liam isn't even looking at Jar Jar. Neither is Ewan. Was CGI super new? 
  • Ooo pretty underwater city!
  • "I want to annihilate all Jar Jars." - Jeff "That's genocide, Jeff." - Erik
  • "How rude." - Jar Jar "Hey, he just quoted Full House!" - Jeff
  • Ewan has a wrapped hair thing. I totally wanted one of those in seventh grade.
  • Whoa, dino shrimp fish with a lizard tongue!
  • Whoa, BIGGER dino fish!
  • This movie appears to just be an outlet for George Lucas to show us the monsters and aliens he made up.
  • They're going full Three Musketeers.
  • Wait, is that Amidala? Oh, it's a servant disguised as Amidala and Natalie is next to her.
  • R2D2!
  • I wonder if I'd know what's going on here if I wasn't writing notes...
  • These samurai alien guys can barely move their mouths. They look like guppies.
  • Did George Lucas intend for Jar Jar to be lovable or endearing? With the way Padme looks at him, I feel like I'm supposed to care about him. I DON'T, GEORGE.
  • Disturbance in the Force!
  • Cool poncho, Liam.
  • Even the poop squish sound effect was terrible.
  • Is this the cantina where we first met Han and Chewie?
  • Nice pickup line, kid. "Are you an angel?" You nailed the faux naivete.
  • I like this giant mosquito elephant dude better than Jar Jar.
  • Oh, Ewan's long hair is a braid, not an embroidered wrap thing. Last comment on his coif, promise. 
  • How long before the original trilogy is this taking place? Maybe 30, 40 years? Why haven't the fashions changed and why do the vehicles appear to be more advanced?
  • Hey, C3P0.
  • Aw, C3P0 and R2D2 meet.
  • C3P0's parts are showing. Hilarious.
  • I'm starting to think George Lucas Googled some Star Wars fan fic and made a super expensive movie out of it.
  • Darth Maul is legit creepy. 
  • Anakin, it's called a light saber. Laser sword. Pfft.
  • Man, Anakin is too pretentious. 
  • Liam's going to feel bad going behind the queen's back when he finds out Natalie is the queen.
  • My people inform me that they just said Anakin was immaculately conceived. I missed that due to a three year-old trying to convince me that I'm capable of building Legos, watching the movie, and writing simultaneously. I'm flattered. 
  • Is Jar Jar broken?
  • Anakin fixed the pod! The swelling music tells me I should be inspired.
  • No wonder this kid goes Darth (at least I think so)...everyone keeps calling him Annie.
  • There's a Jedi blood test?! Neat. 
  • Oh, Anakin and his mom are slaves?! How am I missing these plot points?!
  • I thought pod racing was going to be like shady street racing Grease style, but there's a whole official stadium and everything. 
  • Must be hard to walk on your hands with your feet in front of you. 
  • I don't think the kid with the freakishly high midochlorian count needs a Jedi lesson.
  • Jabba cameo!
  • COME ON, ANNIE. (Crap. I wrote that and then Jar Jar said it. I am ashamed.)
  • I'd like to stay completely negative on this movie, but this pod race is pretty fun.
  • NASCAR should consider adding people shooting at the cars to their races.
  • How does Annie even see out of those goggles?!
  • This kid is too calm. "My pod is falling apart and I could die at any instant. Meh."
  • This pod race was cool, but now I'm just wondering how many laps we're looking at here.
  • I have cycled between disinterest and excitement no less than three times during this race. It's like my relationship with "Let It Go."
  • Ha, awkward kid/alien interaction. Do we high five? Do we hug? Let's just jump around!
  • So are they taking Annie and leaving his mom behind?
  • Where has Ewan been this whole time?
  • Is "With great power comes great responsibility" from Star Wars or Harry Potter? I think they should tell all child prodigy mystical power characters that at some point. [UPDATE: That's from Spiderman and I'm dumb.]
  • This kid's acting is getting progressively worse.
  • Darth Maul light saber fight!
  • Does the Force give Liam some mad jumping skillz?
  • What is this throne that walks like a spider? Yeesh.
  • He made her jewelry. Pick up tactic #2. This kid is smooth.
  • I keep waiting for fake Queen to get kidnapped or killed or something to justify real Queen remaining in hiding.
  • Holy cow, fake Queen really looks like Natalie Portman.
  • Oh geez, that WAS Natalie in that last scene. I think. I don't know.
  • Why does Queen Amidala's accent change so severely when she's in regalia?
  • This might be blasphemous, but new Yoda is cuter than original Yoda.
  • Whoa, Yoda wisdom foreshadowing.
  • Oh, padawan learner means apprentice.
  • One of the council guys so reminds me of Mugatu, but with a GIANT forehead.
    Yoda, Samuel L., and Mugatu
  • Why would the council think a little boy named Annie is dangerous? 
  • I'll be honest - I'm not sure how much of this explanation of midichlorians is science and how much is fiction.
  • "We's going hoooooome!" Shut up, Jar Jar.
  • "Jar Jar, I need your help." I think she's going to ask him to literally annoy an entire planet to death.
  • Ugh. Is Natalie Portman playing herself and the fake Queen? I'm so confused.
  • Uh-oh. Frog king man thinks her request for help is hilarious.
  • Oh, he did a boobless motorboating sound. I think that means they'll help.
  • Where did this teenage Queen get all her military strategy training?
  • Is this film three hours long?
  • Didgeridoos of war!
  • Wilhelm scream!
  • Ruh-roh. Giant robot army just popped right through that shield.
  • Annie's totally going to stay in the cockpit...while he's flying the pod.
  • Woo! Choral "AH" for double light saber!
  • Oh, Annie. You and your piloting hijinks.
  • "This is tense!" Holy cow, this kid is such a bad actor that they had to have him overtly say his emotions.
  • What just happened? Did Liam create a force field to take a break? Or did D.Maul get Liam to kneel before him using his Jedi mind power?
  • Even Jar Jar's bellbottoms are getting on my nerves.
  • Star Tours parking job!
  • I'm still confused by these red force field doors.
  • I saw that coming. What's the term for getting impaled by a light saber? Impaled and stabbed aren't entirely accurate since there is no object going through. 
  • Oh, SNAP. Literally. Obi Wan snapped Darth's light saber in twain. 
  • Why don't they use the Force more often in these duels?
  • Sad! He halved Darth Maul. No more awesome fighting. 
  • Did Liam just...stroke...Ewan's face?
  • Well, this scene is not helping the case against Jedis being a cult.
  • Annie got a haircut.
  • What's with the glowy orb? It's always about a glowing orb.
In conclusion, this movie was long, tedious, confusing, and lacked the endearing qualities of the original two that I've seen. I am, however, pleased that we are watching in this order because now I will know to call Darth Vader "Annie" when I eventually get to see Return of the Jedi. That'll show him. 

Monday, September 8, 2014

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Here's the second installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

  • This opens with scrolly exposition too. I keep briefly thinking "What, did they make this in iMovie?"
  • Hoth, I have heard of you.
  • Kangaroo dinosaur ram, you don't look like you should live in cold climates.
  • Abominable snowman from Matterhorn?! Disneylaaaaand.
  • Han has already said "Chewie" more times in this film than in the entirety of the last one.
  • One...two...three...FOUR looks from Leia to Han fraught with meaning.
  • These braids are much more becoming than those ear muff buns, Princess. 
  • Ha, I thought that stalactite guy was using the Force to get a soda. It was a light saber.
  • What is with people using light sabers to cut off arms?! At least this time it's for survival.
  • Dude, you are screwed. FOG.
  • Why can C3P0 feel cold but he doesn't feel pain when his limbs get torn off? Sub-question: why doesn't C3P0 just put on a coat?
  • Aw, Chewie's sad.
  • Oh, circle fade. Classy.
  • What?! That was Luke the whole time?! Seriously thought he was a disposable extra.
  • Mark Hamill's acting abilities have remained consistent from the last film to this one.
  • Holy cow, that's a gross way to stay warm.
  • Mark Hamill's hair has remained consistent from the last film to this one.
  • "Laser brain." Classic.
  • "Laugh it up, fuzz ball." These insults are so witty. Wow.
  • "Nerf herder." What does that mean? That's the name of the band that does the Buffy theme music.
  • Wow, Leia blatantly kissing Luke to just to make Han jealous. She has the emotional maturity of a lamp.
  • I'd like to think that there's an imperial soldier with the title "Lead Darth Vader helmet shiner" and he's darn good at his job.
  • I want to hug Chewie too! Did Luke just scratch his neck like he's a puppy?
  • How long after the first movie does this take place?
  • Ooo Darth's pod thingy is neat.
  • Darth can The Force those guys via Skype?!
  • My informants here tell me the best battle of the movie is about to happen.
  • I'm sorry, does C3P0 keep changing colors?
  • Are the oompa loompa soldiers cheering about going into battle? That seems unhealthy. "WOOO! We might die right now!"
  • Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. You are doomed.
  • Imperial walkers look cool, but those long legs seem impractical.
  • Ohhhh...they have legs so Luke could provide an easy solution to destroy them.
  • Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. Predictably, you have died.
  • They're just going to trip those giant, impenetrable machines? Yeah, okay.
  • Don't yell at Chewie, Han!
  • K, Luke. Just fight the imperial walker with your bare hands. No big deal.
  • Oh my gosh, I was kidding, Luke.
  • Sometimes Darth is intimidating, but sometimes I picture that underneath that costume is a sweaty comic book nerd with a mullet "bum-bum-bumming" the imperial march to himself.
  • Leia has clearly never been on Star Tours. Of course Han's going through the asteroids.
  • Now Han is just showing off. You're a good pilot. We get it.
  • I think Luke just landed in a scene from The Neverending Story.
  • I'm betting that R2D2 can't swim.
  • I was wrong.
  • Swamp creature'd!
  • Did R2D2 just get thrown up and then throw up?
  • Darth Vader's skin!
  • I love "this building/vehicle is shaking...whoOAa" acting.
  • Yesss...find Yoda, Luke!
  • "Did he say to find yogurt?" - Eiley
  • What! Is Yoda voiced by Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear?!
  • I'm super disappointed. Yoda isn't as cute as I thought he'd be.
  • Can one use the Force on a robot?
  • Jeff just got defensive when I told him Yoda wasn't as cute as I'd anticipated: "I think he's frickin' adorable." 
  • Ooo. Loooove music. Or just Leia music? No, love music. Whoa, she's trembling. Keep it PG, Harrison.
  • KISS.
  • C3P0 is a master moment killer.
  • Wait! Who's this creeper that Darth bows to?
  • Is Darth Vader also Annikin Skywalker?
  • I hope R2D2 doesn't rust.
  • Yoda has a cozy little Hobbit hole.
  • Is Ben's...aura...floating around haunting people?
  • I wish Yoda would wiggle his ears like Sloth from Goonies.
  • Sucky cave monster!
  • Oh, dear. They were in a sand worm from Beetlejuice.
  • Yoda backpack!
  • Is Luke supposed to be listening to Yoda monologuing?
  • There should be a Jedi training montage.
  • Now I have "Eye of the Tiger" in my head.
  • LUKE BEHEADING...himself? Wait, what? And why is Yoda so smug about that?
  • Lizard imperial soldier out of nowhere.
  • Yes. I am so ready for light speed.
  • Thanks for telling C3P0 to shut up, Leia.
  • Bless that guy's heart. "I'll apologize to Vader." Pro tip, dude: Defect.
  • Didn't Luke move a blaster with the Force on Hoth earlier? Oh, Yoda's trying to get him to Force his vehicle. That's heavier.
  • So Luke begs Yoda to teach him then gives up after like two lessons? "You want the impossible." Whine, sulk, pout.
  • Yoda's showing how it's done. Oh, snap.
  • Does using the Force require energy?
  • "I don't believe it." " why you fail."
  • Told you to defect, dummy.
  • What's C3P0 even there for?
  • Lando Calrissian is an awesome name.
  • Does Luke have to do a handstand to use the Force? Because that's going to make using it to fight really awkward.
  • Yes, eventually Han and Leia will die, Luke. I can't see the future, but their mortality seems fairly obvious.
  • Something terrible happens every time they say everything's going to be okay.
  • Oh, phew. Exception! Lando friendship!
  • Whoa. Down, boy.
  • Is it okay that I don't really care that C3P0 just got blasted?
  • I'm confused - is Luke going to fight Vader with the Force? Or a light saber? Or both?
  • Why does Leia hate everyone?
  • Lando is a super creeper.
  • TWIST! Vader in the dining room.
  • Oh, shoot. Judging by the music, I am supposed to care about C3P0.
  • Han Solo torture!
  • Lando, don't talk back to Vader.
  • "I feel terrible." - first line I genuinely laughed at.
  • I keep thinking about Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls complaining that this all comes down to who has higher ground, and I'm curious about how that'll come into play.
  • "I love you." "I know." Ohhh...that explains my cousin's tattoo. Ha! 
  • Do people actually expect Vader to keep his word?
  • That shot of Luke meeting Darth Vader for the first time is legit chilling.
  • Light saber fight!
  • Why are we strangling the guy who just released us, Chewie?
  • I like legless C3P0 more.
  • Why doesn't Luke blaster Vader?
  • What just happened? Does Luke think a little fall killed Vader?
  • Luke is phoning this fight in.
  • It bugs me that I have no idea what the plan is here other than "run around the building shooting blasters and pressing any buttons on the walls that we find."
  • Is Vader trying to kill Luke or turn him evil?
  • Luke. Your hand fell off.
  • "I'm your father." 
  • "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE." I found Hamill's delivery of this line hilarious.
  • Cutting off someone's hand is probably not the best tactic to persuade them to join your team.
  • Luke Skywalker: Really brave or really dumb?
  • Crying out to one's hallucination for help has to be rock bottom. Oh, we switched to crying out for Leia. Much better.
  • Please let Luke just plop down into the Falcon's moonroof.
  • Hahaha...YESSSS.
  • Where is Han? Still cryogenically frozen somewhere with Vader?
  • My desire to see light speed is pretty intense, and I keep getting disappointed. They make it look so easy at Disney.
  • What! Is Vader brainwashing Luke?
  • I love the way James Earl Jones says "DEStinyyy."
  • Is there a maximum distance Vader can reach with the Force? Why doesn't he just relax in a hammock and strangle all his enemies?
  • Cyber hand looks real.
  • Wait, do we know Luke and Leia are bro/sis now?
  • Seriously, where did Han go?
  • This movie has zero resolution!
  • Hey, cool, John Ratzenberger was in this.
Conclusion: This was a fun movie. It bothers me that people pronounce Han and Falcon differently. That's all.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars IV (from an adult seeing it for the first time)

Okay, it's not Monday, but that used to be the day we'd review movies and I was so excited to actually have blog fodder that I couldn't wait to post this. Check out more concise Movie Reviews here.

I caved and watched Star Wars IV: A New Hope for the first time in my life last night. Jeff was nearly giddy with excitement. He met up with our friend Will at a coffee shop to get the DVDs, which is how I imagine upscale drug deals probably happen too. I thought all of you Star Wars fans might be interested to know the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching it for the first time, so I wrote notes. Nine pages of scribbled notes. Eiley asked me what I was drawing at one point. I'm giving you my unedited stream of consciousness, so you might have no idea what I'm talking about some of the time, and I will look like an idiot some of the time* (I refuse to take time to Google how to spell some of these names, for example), but I'm fine with that. Laugh at me freely, nerd bombs.

  • The amount of exposition in the scrolly intro thing seems like lazy screenwriting. Show don't tell, right? 
  • Stormtroopers look awesome.
  • Why is C3P0 British? If one robot is British, why can't the other even speak English?
  • Alderon? Rebel who what? What is James Earl Jones talking about?
  • The mice from Cinderella seem to have mutated and are wearing cloaks. Those are definitely their voices.
  • Hey, there's Wall-E (or maybe Number 5?), the scary trash can from The Wiz, and one of the guys from Daft Punk. 
  • Those lizard dinosaurs are disgusting.
  • Desert igloo?
  • Is Luke Skywalker a teenager?! I always thought he was a strong, heroic MAN, not a whiny manchild.
  • I miss Disneyland.
  • "He looks like the Wizard of Oz [Tin Man]. Maybe that's his problem." - Eiley about C3P0 
  • R2D2 is adorbs.
  • "I think that princess is in trouble." - Eiley
  • Is Obi Wan Kenobi Luke's father? (*Sidenote: It's astounding how long it took me to realize what a dumb thought that was.)
  • Sweet fanny pack, Luke!
  • Who are all the "sad people"? Luke just said that it's dangerous to leave in the dark with all the sad people around.
  • These people speak in belches! Neat. Or...gross.
  • Oh, sand people. Not sad people.
  • Wait, it's not belching. It's seal barking.
  • "I hope he doesn't kill him, and I hope he doesn't die." - Eiley, referring to a sand person and Luke
  • That guy is totally Obi Wan K. Why did uncle and aunt lie and say he was dead?
  • Is Ben Kenobi the same as Obi Wan? Oh, nope. Ben's clearly unsettled by the name Obi Wan. OH. THE SAME. Emotional Obi Wan roller coaster!
  • Obi Wan really enunciates Light. Saber. the first time, like he's giving a vocabulary lesson.
  • Oh, hey. More exposition.
  • Whoa, I just remembered that Vader is Luke's father. Spoiler'd!
  • I can't remember if Luke and Leia are bro/sis or Han and Leia.
  • Oh, please. Luke's resistance to go on this adventure is really half-hearted. He clearly is all in.
  • Are these actors doing voices on purpose or is it just the 70s acting style?
  • Oh, crap. The Force is no joke. Don't cross Darth.
  • Well, that's what Luke's aunt and uncle get for lying about Obi Wan being dead.
  • Torture robot?
  • I'm actually pretty impressed with the special effects so far. I was prepared to fully mock. Better than most Syfy channel shows. (Sidenote: Jeff later informed me that this was not a fully original edition - some things were improved.)
  • Ben totally just Jedi-ed those Stormtroopers.
  • Chewbacca! I hope he's a good guy. He's cute.
  • Calm down, Obi Wan. Cutting an arm off in a bar fight seems a bit extreme. Geez.
  • Harrison Ford comes in at 47.53 minutes. Almost halfway through the movie. Interesting!
  • I've even heard of the Millennium Falcon, Obi Wan.
  • Should I call him Obi Wan or Ben?
  • Have they even introduced Chewie yet?
  • I think Groot and Chewbacca would be such sweet friends.
  • "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." Some of these lines are so iconic that they are strange to hear.
  • I wonder if Mr. Miyagi was inspired in part by Obi Wan.
  • "That small moon" is the Death Star, guys. Even I know that.
  • John Williams is brilliant.
  • That soldier just said "jettisoned" twice in a row. It's a nice word.
  • Did Han just pet Chewbacca? I still don't think we've heard his name, just that he's a Wookie.
  • I want to see some Ewoks. What's the deal?
  • Guys. Mark Hamill is a terrible actor. But he has nice hair.
  • Chewie is TALL. Is that a full suit? Or part suit, part makeup?
  • I can't put my finger on why, but some of these actors, including Harrison, seem like they've never held a gun before.

  • Are Obi Wan and Darth brothers?
  • What's Darth's motive? Why is he all evil?
  • Those storm trooper uniforms seem hard to run in.
  • Princess, you can't look badass while holding your blaster like a sissy.
  • I think I've seen a parody or homage to every scene so far except this trash room one. This is the first truly fresh scene for me.
  • Way to throw the troopers off the trail, C3P0!
  • "One thing's for sure - we're all gonna be a lot thinner." - Han. "GROAN." - me.
  • Did they really think pushing against the trash compactor walls would be effective?
  • Pretty sure Liam Neeson is way taller than this Obi Wan.
  • Whoa. Leia's totally into Han.
  • Farmer Luke is pretty good with a gun.
  • Wilhelm scream!
  • Rope swing for the win!
  • The footsteps foley is getting hilarious.
  • Light saber fight time. YES.
  • I see why people like to pretend they have light sabers. This is awesome. 
  • That's not actually James Earl Jones, right? He was never that skinny, right?
  • Ben Kenobi, NOOOOO! He's not really dead. That was way too anticlimactic.
  • How long is Leia's hair?! Those buns.
  • Is that old Nazi dude Darth Vader's boss?
  • "Princess" sounds like a curse word coming out of Han.
  • I legit just thought the rebels were Oompa Loompas. Same outfits.
  • If R2D2 gets destroyed I will be LIVID.
  • I haven't had a coherent thought in 5 minutes, which must mean this little space battle is awesome.
  • Wait...when did Darth get in his aircraft?
  • Wooooooo STAR TOURS! I continue to miss Disneyland!
  • Oh, no. Luke's Goose got blown up.
  • Death Star explosion!
  • R2D2 NOOOOOO! Aw, C3P0 has feelings.
  • Oh, hey. That answers my Leia hair length question.
  • R2D2 is so shiny.
  • Boom. Heroes.
Conclusion: I was expecting cheesier than this. I enjoyed it (I mean, it was no GotG, but that movie wouldn't have happened without Star Wars), and it was also surreal to have more context for countless parodies and homages I've seen over the years. My only complaints are the terrible acting and lack of Ewoks and Yoda. But I suppose I have those to look forward to in subsequent films.